Its 10:01 am. I'm "supposed" to be at school now studying the makeup practices of the 1920's and 30's...I am on my couch with a brown fleece blanket on my head.
My girlfriend and queen of my imaginary kingdom has been trying to coax me into taking up a blog. This is my very first blog entry...(what the hell is a "blog"? it sounds like some kind of fat green space alien, probably related to jaba the hut.)
Eileen, (girlfriend/queen) and I have been having a rough time communicating lately, being totally honest can be really hard. I guess thats why we lie. Sometimes to our partners and friends but more often, to ourselves. I lie a lot. Not to be mean or vindictive, mostly because I'm scared. I'm afraid of looking foolish, scared of not actually being who I think I "should" be, sometimes I trick myself into believing if I lie to myself long enough, maybe it will come true. Lying sucks... I'm going to use this blog to help free me from these shadowy shackles.
This blog (fat green alien) is about my truth. This will be my digital sanctuary of inner peace and outer honesty. I will reveal my internal workings here on this page as an experiment. Hopefully, by engaging in candid monologue, I will find harmony and finally be able to accept myself for who I am. In turn, being able to make real friends.
TRUTH # 1
I'm lonely. I never really had to many friends in my life. I get along with people well, but because Im afraid to like myself for who I really am, I don't let people in.
TRUTH # 2
I have Tourettes Syndrome. (I've been embarrassed to share this openly because it makes me feel weird. As I get older, I realize everyones a little odd, so maybe it'll make me more relatable if people know I cant help but twitch my face when i get nervous. its actually kind of funny now that i think about it. Maybe I look like a bunny, bunnies are cute...
TRUTH # 3
I lied to my school today. I said I have an appointment and will be running late. I don't, ask the brown fleece on my head... They have a strict attendance policy and I didn't think that needing to express myself emotionally on a blog was excusable by school guidelines. so I lied, am I proud of it? I don't really give a shit. but it feels good to be honest about it here.
TRUTH # 4
Im insecure about writing because I have no formal training whatsoever, outside of a night school class I took. I was the youngest student there, the second youngest was 63, the oldest was almost 90. I hated that class. Eileen joined me for the last few weeks I attended, and the slightly sleazy yet kind of charming old man teacher constantly ogled my girlfriend, hinting that we (focused at her), should take his tango lessons. I wanted to poke his eyes.
Bunnies are indeed cute. Quite overwhelmingly cute I might add.
ReplyDeleteI love you King.
It's curious that we, as humans, cling to fear. Ralph Waldo Emerson stated “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” Many times, that fear is born out of the fact that we have difficulty saying 'No' and that leads to lying and a host of other psych-ailments.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are faced with a dilemma and put yourself into fear because you are challenged by saying 'no', stop and ask yourself if there's any real basis to the fear. In most call cases, you'll learn that there is no basis except that you might hurt your own ego. If your ego is based on what OTHERS think about you, then it's based incorrectly. Your ego must be based on how you look at yourself, regardless of how others think about you. When you have secured a proper perspective, you'll have a good foundation, understand yourself more, and can sound out your position as it is without fear of stepping on someone else's toes.
Do you fear that will generate enemies? Consider this quote from Winston Churchill:
“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
Press Ever Forward!
Inspiring Mr. Wex. Thanx for the the churchill quote, something about it has a sharp resonance with me. It seems you have quite the understanding of your own in relation to the battle with fear...?
ReplyDelete...no one is not odd. The only thing that makes someone stick out in a bad way, is if their oddity is malicious and intentional...then that shits just wack.;-)
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought about why its useful that your face twitches when your nervous? Maybe its genetics, maybe you learned it from someone in your family when you were young, maybe you have masked that emotion so well in some ways that it shows up in other ways.. or maybe your face twitches when you are nervous so you would have been able to subtly communicate emotional cues to your tribe when there was danger without having to use sound... What is odd anyways? You project onto others your own insecurities, its all perceptual.. check this out.. http://shawnroe.com/stories/no-talking-on-tokyo-trains-on-weekdays-587
ReplyDelete